My first loss

This is a dark time of year for me. While October 15th is the official pregnancy loss rememberance day it is always mid April when loss is most in my mind. This is because I lost my first pregnancy (from my 4th IVF cycle) just a week before my birthday which is in April. We thought we were finally there after so much struggle... 3 IUIs with injectibles and 4 IVFs. We were first pregnant with twins but one was lost at 7 weeks. They called it a blighted ovum and the other had a heartbeat. We saw that promising flicker twice before our ultrasound on a Monday when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I think my story is the same as everyone when you are about to get bad news from an ultrasound. You can tell by the way the nurse is acting that there is something wrong. I looked at the screen and asked where the heartbeat was and she told me she couldn't find it. I remember that moment my blood turned to ice and the bottom dropped out of our world. Our RE (the second one we did treatment with) did not even come in the room because he was too busy. He kept sending the pregnant nurse back and forth. They told me I had to go to confirm that our baby was gone by getting another ultrasound at a radiologist office. This is when perhaps I was not fair to everyone around me but I didn't care since the universe had been so unfair to us. We went to the office directly from the RE. They called me back and this ultrasound tech was not so cooperative. When I asked her to confirm what we already knew she told me she couldn't say anything. Frustrated and annoyed she continued to tell me I had to wait in the waiting room and someone would come talk to me. I told her I wouldn't wait and she told me I *had* to at which point I said loudly something to the effect of "I don't need to wait even more for you to tell me that my baby is dead because we already know it" and waltzed on out. To add further trauma at my D&C later that day the Ob/Gyn told me my husband needed to walk the "products of conception" over to the hospital lab himself since it was late. Seriously... after vacuuming out my insides they gave my husband a jar to carry over. He told me I wasn't allowed to go with him but then I thought he said I could dress and leave (which apparently I made up in my head because when I called the office later they were ticked at me for leaving). I clearly remember how I bled on my sock while fumbling with my clothes but I made it out of the building in time to meet up with my husband right before he crossed to the hospital. Together we walked to the hospital and found the lab. That was the send off in a jar in a lab. Some dark days followed. I threw myself into work. Weeks later the report came back... my twins. One had Turner's Syndrome which is fatal in 99% of cases and the other twin the one who had a heartbeat came back normal XY. That was the little boy we will never have and yet another mystery. No reason for the loss just like no reason for my diagnosis. I wish I could explain more eloquently.

I had foolishly booked us on a cruise just days before the loss. It was supposed to be a babymoon. I know silly to do something like that so early in a pregnancy but I truly thought with one loss that the other twin would make it.

I have been pregnant four times. We have seen 7 gestational sacs and 4 heartbeats but for all of that I only have 2 living children. All in all though I am so very lucky. There are so many other families out there suffering their losses in silence or that will never have a successful pregnancy. We are the lucky ones.